Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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