And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I want her autograph on my taint
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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