I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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