If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
