I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
