sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
