I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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