i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize