Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
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I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
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I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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