it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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