it's like russian roulette but with a penis
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
