Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
