I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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