i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
