I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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