It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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