i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
