oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
