i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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