I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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