I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
