david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
