I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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