My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
