i think my mom watched the whole time
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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