There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
