the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
