the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
