The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
