Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
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Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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