Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
