one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
