Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
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I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
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I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Is this like a preordered booty call?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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