i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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