I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
