So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
