STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
