i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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