I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
