someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
