Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
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Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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