He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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