why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
