Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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