I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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