Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
