The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
