I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
