so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
