I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
