My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
