apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
