I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
