I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
