We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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