We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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